Underneath
by Demian33
Summary: When Castle starts seriously dating a non-bimbo, non-blond, highly intelligent woman, things come to a head for Kate, who must decide if she is going to tell Castle how she really feels ... or risk losing him forever. COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

**CHAPTER 1**

Castle splashed his face a few more times and turned off the water. He grabbed the hand towel, looked in the mirror, and wiped off the few spots of shaving cream he had missed. After brushing and flossing his teeth and running some gel through his hair, he finally looked in the mirror.

And sighed.

Normally, he loved his pre-date routine. He would practice his smiles, his expressions, his best winks and seductive looks. He would walk back and forth in front of the mirror, checking himself out as he passed. He would sing little songs and practice ordering in whatever language matched the cuisine he would be eating.

In other words, he had fun.

This was no fun—because for the first time, probably ever, he was not looking forward to a date. In fact, he was dreading it.

Castle frowned at himself in the bathroom mirror before turning off the light and going back into his bedroom. He opened his closet door and pretty much grabbed the first shirt and pair of pants he saw. Usually, he would spend ten minutes picking the perfect tie, but this time, he barely even looked at them, just grabbed one that matched and left it at that. He removed the pants' matching jacket from its hanger and tossed the garments on the bed.

After he dressed, he stood in front of the full-length mirror, analyzing himself. He grabbed the lint brush and moved it up and down the front of his jacket lapels. Then, he reworked his tie so it looked more like he was going out instead of coming home after a long night. He adjusted everything until he looked absolutely perfect, but he still did not step away from the mirror.

_What are you doing?_ he asked his reflection.

He sighed again and left the room. In his office, he sat down at his desk and put his watch on.

He didn't have to go. No one was holding a gun to his head. But Cassandra seemed interesting enough. A curator at the Met, she had _two_ PhDs (archeology and history), could speak Greek and Latin (which actually piqued the interest of the writer in him), and, most importantly, she was the niece of close friend. Apparently Cassandra had a "guilty pleasure" for mystery novels—though to see his career reduced to a guilty pleasure somewhat bothered him—and she really admired his novels, especially the Nikki Heat novels.

He had said yes because his friend had asked him to, of course. That's what friends did. And it was widely known—in his public and private spheres—that he was single again after ending things with Gina and apparently "looking," though he had never said that to anybody. Still, rejecting a blind date set up by a dear friend would look suspicious.

He also accepted the date because a small part of him wanted to make Beckett jealous, but that was only part of it, a very small part. He was going on the date so Alexis would stop giving him pouty little frowns whenever she found him sad, or not talking, or not sleeping, all occurrences that were becoming more and more frequent. He was also doing it so his Mother would quit trying to set him up with her friends' friends or relatives.

He had been waiting for Beckett for three years and still nothing had happened. His mother, Alexis, even his friends, gave him their version of puppy dog eyes whenever the subject of Kate Beckett came up. After weeks of this, he finally realized what that meant—they felt _sorry_ for him.

And that made him feel even worse—being pitied—so he was going to give it the old college try.

Even though this reason was probably the most sound and best reason in theory, it felt horrible inside him, almost physically painful. He felt like he could throw up even now. Yes, he was going to go on this date to please his family, his friends, and hopefully himself, but he was absolutely sick about it.

He still thought Beckett would come around. He didn't feel like it was time for him to give up right now. He felt little shifts and moves from her—tiny seismic indicators of forward progress. Maybe she didn't move away from him one late evening at the precinct. Maybe she had smiled just a little longer at one of his jokes before telling him what an idiot he was. There were glances, and moments, and slight touches. He felt hopeful—even with Josh still in the picture.

But apparently, he was pitiful.

He wanted to wait for Kate and was totally fine with the range of emotions it would bring—laughter, arousal, joy, elevation … and also depression, lack of concentration, insomnia, and dark thoughts. He was fine with it all. But there was Alexis to consider. And his mother. Even Beckett.

Maybe, oh God maybe, he could actually like someone new. He didn't wish for it, not at all. But he did wish for more than to be pathetically and unrequitedly in love with Kate Beckett the rest of his life.

Just get through the night, he told himself.

He stood up and left his office. He walked into the living room and grabbed his coat from the closet.

"Should I wait up for you, Dad?" Alexis asked when he gave her a kiss on the top of her head.

"No, but I won't be late," he replied.

"Have fun," she urged him.

"I'll try," he told her, as he grabbed his keys and opened the door.

And he would—try.


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2**

He got to the restaurant first and was sitting at the table and considering what he should order to very literally drown his sorrows when she approached him. Despite the misery he had been in, he gave her a real smile as he stood up to meet her.

First off, she was very pretty, striking actually. She was around Kate's age, so she wasn't someone that would make Alexis feel uncomfortable, which was always a concern. She was probably five-foot-eight, had a slender build, and had long dark hair that fell over her shoulders and almost to the middle of her back. Her hair was gorgeous—he actually wanted to touch it.

"Hi, Richard," she smiled easily, extending her hand. They shook firmly, but cordially. He moved to pull her chair out for her, but she waved him off.

"Oh, that's okay. Don't be silly," she laughed. He nodded and sat back down as she did.

They were sitting across from one another, looking at each other warmly.

"Cassandra, it's great to meet you." He meant it.

"It's Cassie, by the way."

"Rick then," he insisted.

She smiled then and her whole face lit up—her perfect teeth that weren't fake white, a single dimple, dark brown eyes that contained lighter sparks of color. He felt himself relaxing.

That night, he had one of the best first dates in his entire life. She was funny and insightful. She could deliver a punch line with great timing. She spoke French, Spanish, Italian, _and_ Croatian. She was inquisitive and delightful, smart as a whip and very balanced and open. They had clicked like birds of a feather and had spent two wonderful hours eating roasted duck sushi rolls and spicy tuna tartar, drinking sake and a bottle of wine, and talking about novels and art, UFOs and monster movies, Greek myths and the Spice Girls.

He had kissed her goodnight and meant it when he said he would call her. In the cab home, he had even felt a little excitement at the prospect of dating her. She had her own money, not best-selling mystery novel writer money, but obviously enough to dress well, have a nice place, and not be after his money. He thought Alexis and Mother would adore her. She fit. He could work her in. It wouldn't be hard.

He made it all the way into bed, with the covers pulled over him and the lights turned off, before the high crashed as quickly as it had come on.

Cassie was great, but she wasn't Kate.

_Give her a chance._

He rolled onto his side and pulled the covers over his head, trying to shut out the two-way conversation in his head.

_You have to move on._

But he didn't want to; he wasn't sure he could.

_She doesn't love you._

She might.

_She will never be ready._

She might.

_You are fooling yourself. Don't give up a chance at happiness._

Kate makes me happy.

_No, she doesn't._

She could.

_She doesn't make you happy._

She will.

He curled up in the fetal position and started counting sheep, anything to get these thoughts out of his head and get some sleep before he had to see Beckett in the morning.

It was a long night.


	3. Chapter 3

_Okay, here is Chapter 3. I was going to try and space these out more, but I feel like I am leaving you guys hanging after some of the reviews I've received. So, thanks for the encouragement. I will post Chapter 4 tomorrow. And trust me, it's a long chapter, one you can really sink your teeth into. Thanks for reading!_

**CHAPTER 3**

"Thanks," she told him as she took the coffee from his hand the next morning. "How's it going?"

"Fine," he replied, sighing heavily as he sat down in his chair.

"That was quite a sigh," she said with a slight frown. "You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, just tired I guess," he told her, throwing a yawn in there for good measure.

"Oh yeah?" she quipped, taking a sip of her coffee. "Hot date last night?"

"Define hot," he said absentmindedly.

Her eyes opened a little in surprise, but she looked away quickly, before he could see it. He was too depressed to even notice.

"Hot for you usually involves a blond, a nice French restaurant, and a nightcap," she continued.

"Brunette, Asian fusion, and dropped off at her door," he finished.

"Castle," she breathed out heavily, her face getting hot.

He startled, like he hadn't really been paying attention to anything they had been talking about. His eyes rose to meet hers, but he dropped them before he really saw how much that statement had affected her.

"What?" he asked, confused. What was wrong with her? She actually looked … upset?

"It's nothing," she replied unsteadily, trying to force a smile. "So, who is she?"

Castle was looking down at the coffee in his hands. He felt like shit today—he hadn't slept at all. He almost hadn't come into the precinct, but then he had promised to help her with paperwork and wasn't sure he could go all day without seeing her anyway. In any case, he felt totally out of it—he was on autopilot.

"Niece of a friend. He fixed us up," Castle sounded like was providing information to a clerk at a store, he was so far removed from what he was saying.

"And you … had fun?" she gulped. Was he really that oblivious? She was nearly sweating, she was so distressed.

"Yep, great time," he agreed. "Smart, funny, attractive …" _Not you._

"What does she do?" Beckett resolved to keep playing whatever game he was. She wasn't about to be beaten at anything.

"She curates the Mayan collection at the Met," he said in a way that belied how amazing that job actually was.

Kate swallowed hard.

"Well, that's impressive." _It was. _

"Yep, Cassie is great," he volunteered.

"Cassie?" she nearly choked. "As in Cassie Castle?" She wanted to both throw up and laugh.

He looked up at her then and the laugh quickly died inside of her.

"We're not married, Beckett, and have no plans to be. Plus, she strikes me as the kind of woman who would keep her own name," he said, staring directly into her eyes, finally engaging her. He seemed to be trying to communicate something to her, but she didn't know what.

"Like me," she offered.

"Not like you," he immediately replied, looking at her so strangely, she had to look away.

He shifted in his chair.

"Castle," she tried, still not sure how to proceed from here.

"Excuse me," he said quickly. "I'll be back."

He jumped up and hurriedly headed toward the restrooms. When he left her sight, she happened to glance over at the boys who were looking back at her with expressions of—what was it, worry?

She frowned, shrugged her shoulders, and turned back to her desk.

She was working on paperwork when he returned a few minutes later.

Again, his head was bent, his eyes cast down. Why wouldn't he look at her?

"I'm sorry, I know I promised I would help you today …" he began.

If he had looked up, he would have seen the angry glare she was giving him.

"But, I'm not … feeling well. I think I'm going to go home and …"

"Call Cassie?" she said, wincing as soon as it came out of her mouth. Jesus, what was wrong with her?

The look he gave her was actually kind of sad, but he reached for his coat and reeled in his emotions before he spoke.

"See you tomorrow," he told her.

And without another word, he turned and walked toward the elevator. He never looked back.

She glanced over at the boys again, but they both turned back to their computers quickly.

She ran her fingers through her hair, clasped her fingers together behind her neck, and sighed raggedly. What in the hell just happened?


	4. Chapter 4

_Thanks again for all of the feedback. You guys have been asking a lot of questions, so let me give you some answers._

_Castle will end up with Kate - I am Caskett all the way. I am planning about nine chapters. There will be "a bit more depressed, hopeless angst followed by a sweet, hesitant admission of feelings" as one reviewer requested. And you guys are going to freak out when you see what happens with Josh._

_Thanks again for reviewing! And here we go …_

* * *

**CHAPTER 4**

The next few weeks were slow and painful. She had been subpoenaed on behalf of the department to testify in a court case and spent three long days pacing the courthouse floor, waiting for her turn. When she was finally called, she snapped into work mode and got the job done, only to spend the whole afternoon and evening curled up in bed, exhausted, but unable to sleep.

There had been a triple murder in front of dozens of witnesses on the far side of the city that had the team spending endless days trying to track them all down for statements. Castle had turned down the offer to come along. He had said he needed to work. She tried her best to believe him.

When he had come into the office, it was like an amazingly lifelike robot version of Castle joined her at her desk. He was playing himself perfectly, but his eyes were dead. When she would look at him after staring at the murder board for ten straight minutes, he would either be texting or staring toward the windows. His comments about the case were limited to the pedantic and ordinary and it was driving her crazy.

She tried desperately not to think about Cassie.

The nights were the worst. Josh was in town for a longer spell and eager to spend more time together. She tried to humor him, but she avoided him as much as possible. She was really starting to feel like she was stringing him along, which made her feel like a terrible person. But what would be the point of breaking up with him now just to be alone and have even more time to conjure up images of Castle and Cassie together?

She was relieved he was leaving again in a few days. She needed the space and was exhausted with playing the role of girlfriend. There are only so many times you can say no to sex with a serious boyfriend before he starts getting suspicious. And the times she relented, she hung in there just long enough to make him happy and then faked her way out of it. It was sad, really. They had been having amazing sex their whole relationship—up until she found out about Cassie, that is.

There was nothing else to blame this on but jealousy, and she knew it. No point in trying to deny it. And there was nothing that made her feel better. In the past, Castle's dates were rarely more than a one- or two-night stand. He hadn't even seemed that distraught over ending it with Gina.

But this was different. Cassie wasn't a blond for one thing and Kate had always banked on the fact that blonds were more temporary for him, more like something he had to get out of his system than marriage material.

And Cassie wasn't a bimbo—far from it. The woman spoke more languages than she did and had two freaking PhDs. She sounded downright delightful, which made Kate miserable. She was throwing herself into her work and trying to turn off her emotions—but she wasn't doing a very good job of it.

And then one morning, he showed up at her desk with coffee, which she took from him with a smile and a nod. He sat down and looked, for once, like himself.

"Any word on those phone calls Darren made from prison?" he asked, taking a long sip of his coffee.

"Um … yeah, actually. He made three calls to a burner phone we found in Andre's apartment. It's looking like he set the whole thing up from jail."

"I had a feeling," Castle said, smiling at her.

"You're looking good," she said, returning the smile.

"I _am_ good," he replied.

"Things are going well then?" she asked. _Don't ask about Cassie._

"Yeah, Kate, they are. Thanks for asking," he said softly.

"Well, you haven't been feeling well, and I know you've been working really hard." _Either stop talking or ask the thing you really want to know because you sound like an idiot._

"I am much better these days."

"And things are still going well with Cassie?" she nearly blurted out. _Shit._

"She's good. Thanks, but we don't have to talk about that, Beckett." He was still being so friendly and nice to her, it was unsettling her.

"Okay," she nodded. What was wrong with her? She was giving up too easily, letting herself be placated.

"So, what's next?" Castle asked, taking a muffin from the bag. "Have we gotten a statement from Andre's parole officer?"

"Are you seriously dating her?" she interrupted, bluntly.

Castle paused with the muffin halfway to his mouth. After staring at her for a split second, he put the pastry on the desk and closed his mouth.

"What do you want me to tell you?" he asked her, a little confused and surprised by her question.

"Um, the truth?"

He took a sip of his coffee and then set it back down on the desk.

"Yes, we are dating," he told her, feeling uncomfortable. Why was she asking about Cassie? They never talked about this kind of thing.

"Oh," he heard her say. He looked up at her, but didn't manage to catch her eyes before she looked away. She grabbed a pencil and started to write something down, but apparently she was pressing too hard because the lead smashed under the pressure.

He took a deep breath. "Why do you ask, Kate?"

Castle happened to glance over at the guys who were standing by their desks, staring right at him. Esposito was shaking his head, with his arms crossed in front of his chest, looking downright threatening. Ryan was trying a tough guy stance, but just looked worried.

He looked back over at her and she was still facing forward at her desk, the broken pencil still in her hand.

"Beckett?" he urged her.

Her head tilted back then and he saw that she was biting her lip. He could almost see her brain thinking and deducing and calculating. If he knew her at all, now would come the brushoff.

"We did get the statement from Andre's parole officer. It wasn't much help."

Bingo. He wasn't surprised. But then he had a thought. This pattern of her brushing him off and his acquiesce was predicated upon his never pushing her back. So what if he did that now—pushed her back? Honestly, it would help no matter what she said—if she continued with the brushoff, he could see it as a sign that he was meant to move on. And if she opened up, well, then maybe he could still keep hoping. What the hell …

"Actually, we weren't talking about the statement. I asked you why you wanted to know whether or not I was dating Cassie. Don't change the subject, Kate," he said stiffly.

Castle watched as her hand found the edge of her desk and curled around it until her knuckles were white. He let out the breath he had been holding before she suddenly and quickly spun her head around, her eyes stabbing daggers into his.

He gulped.

"_Really_?" she said, very sarcastically.

"Really," he affirmed, his voice sounding stronger than he felt, thank God.

She stared at him a few more moments, but he never dropped her gaze. Finally, her face softened a bit. She dropped her head down then and he instinctively moved closer to her.

"Castle," she whispered, sounding quite calm though her body looked stressed. "I will answer your question, but not now. Not at work. I already feel uncomfortable and I want this"—she gestured a hand between them—"this thing needs to stop now."

"You're the one who brought this up at work, not me," he shot back.

"Stop whispering so loudly!" she replied furiously. "This is exactly what I am talking about! I want it to stop now."

"Promise me we will talk about it later—tonight," he demanded.

"Castle …" she started.

"Promise me," he commanded her in his best drill sergeant whisper voice.

"Fine," she managed through closed teeth.

"Well, Beckett, I am really shocked the statement from the parole officer didn't offer much fodder. What's our next lead?" Castle said in a clear, controlled voice, leaning back from Beckett and crossing his legs. It was a performance worthy of an ovation.

"We actually have the answer to that," Esposito said as he and Ryan walked over toward them.

"Does it involve the CIA?" Castle asked, smiling.

The boys had smiles on their faces, too, but all of them fell off when they looked at Beckett. She was kind of pale, and looked upset. Castle wanted to reach for her, but held himself back.

"Yo, what's up, Beckett? Mom and Dad get in a fight?" It came out of Esposito's mouth, but they all knew it was a bad idea once it did.

"There is no Mom and Dad!" she replied jerkily, standing up quickly. "I'm going to the morgue. You guys fill him in on where we are."

She was already walking away when Castle called after her. "Kate, you forgot your coffee!"

She stopped for a moment at the sound of her name, but then continued on walking.

"Dude, what the hell is going on?" Esposito demanded, shoving Castle in his shoulder.

"Ouch!" Castle whined, rubbing the spot. "I don't know. She asked about this girl I'm dating."

"You're dating someone?" Ryan asked, incredulous.

"Uh, yeah," Castle replied, his eyes switching between the two.

"Are you serious?" Esposito asked in a way that suggested Castle better not be serious.

"Why do you even care? Why does_ she_ even care? She's got motorcycle boy, remember?" Castle reminded them, throwing his arms up in exasperation.

"You're serious right now?" Esposito stated.

"Yes, I'm serious," he told Espo, glaring at him. "I'm dating someone and I'm hoping that …"

"What are you hoping for?" Ryan interrupted.

"Jesus, what is with you guys?" Castle said, flustered. "I thought you'd be happy for me, honestly."

"Why would you date someone—anyone else—you know, when you could have—" Esposito's eyes pointed toward the way that Beckett had walked.

Castle laughed out loud, but immediately stopped when they glared at him.

"You're kidding, right? I can't have—" Castle's eyes stared down the same path.

"We're not kidding," Ryan said, shaking his head.

"Guys, guys," Castle put his hands up in retreat. "Let's level with each other …"

"No, we're going to level with you, Castle. Do you what you will, but don't hurt her. Don't rub it in her face like that."

"Rub it in her face? Are you serious?"

"YES," the boys said together.

"And what am I rubbing in her face exactly?" he asked, crossing his arms over his chest and trying to puff out more.

"You are really starting to piss me off, bro," Esposito told him.

"I know exactly how you feel," Castle bit back.

"Castle," Ryan said calmly, taking a step forward and between Castle and Esposito. They both took a step back. "It's just—considering how she feels about you, it's just not cool to do that to her. I mean, after last summer and all …"

"What about last summer?" he had to force the words out.

"Oh God, tell me you guys talked about the Hampton's thing," Ryan said quickly, sounding panicked.

"The Hampton's thing?" Castle said in disbelief.

"Dude, seriously, if you ask one more question …" Esposito practically growled at him.

Castle ran his hands through his hair in frustration. "I asked her to go to the Hampton's yeah, you guys remember, last summer, and she said no … and I went with Gina …"

The guys stared at him, silent.

"Wait, you guys knew about that? But she never told me … anything, really. We never talked about it. I don't understand …"

"She wanted to go with you, Castle. But she never got a chance to tell you because of well, you know, the whole ex-wife thing …" Ryan offered.

"Lanie said she had a bag packed," Esposito said quietly.

Castle fell back onto the chair like he had been punched in the stomach. Ryan and Esposito looked at each other worriedly, hoping they hadn't taken this too far. Maybe they shouldn't have said anything.

"You guys," Castle said so softly, they bent down to listen to him. "I am … like, completely in love with her, but she doesn't love me back. I wasn't rubbing anything into her face. I didn't even bring Cassie up. She did and then …"

"And then …" Ryan said.

Castle's elbows fell to his knees and he held his head in his hands, distraught.

"I'm only dating her so I can move on. I'm telling you guys, Kate—Beckett—she doesn't feel the same. I thought so once, maybe, but now? She just doesn't. She's with Josh and it looks pretty serious to me. And I feel like everyone thinks I am a pathetic puppy dog following her around, that everyone gets the joke but me."

"What joke?" Esposito asked.

"That I'm a fool. That it's ridiculous to think for even one second that she would be with me …" his hands were fists in his hair now.

"Bro," Esposito said gently, putting his hand on Castle's shoulder. "It's not ridiculous. Maybe you just can't see it. But from where we're standing …" he gestured at Ryan. "It's really fucking obvious. You guys … both of you. We're rooting for that."

"Yeah, Castle," Ryan agreed. "Don't give up yet."

Castle sat up and leaned back in the chair, absentmindedly smoothing down his hair.

"Just figure it out, bro. And not here," Esposito added, gesturing around him. "Take her out to eat or something!"

Castle looked up at them, feeling like he had just run a marathon, and knowing he was about to run a couple more.

"Thank you," he told them.

"Yeah, so Andre, well, he has this ex-girlfriend and she really _really_ doesn't like Andre," Esposito said, walking back toward his desk and gesturing for Castle to follow them.

"Seriously, guys, thanks," Castle repeated. Ryan and Esposito both shot him hard okay, we-got-it kind of looks. By the time Castle got to their desks, he was smiling.

He had her now. She had promised to talk to him—tonight. Whatever happened, _something_ had to happen.

Shit. He had a date with Cassie tonight. She was going to give him a behind-the-scenes, late night look at the Met. He was going to see inside a vault. He had been looking forward to it for a week.

The boys were still catching him up on the case, but he tuned out. What should he do? If he was going to cancel with her, he needed to do it as soon as possible. But what could he tell her? He really didn't want to lie—he respected her. But he didn't really think telling her that he was canceling to take another woman—a woman he is insanely in love with, by the way—out to dinner.

"Just tell her something came up with a case," Ryan whispered to him.

He gave Ryan a relieved smile. That wasn't a bad idea. He flipped open his phone and started to type, praying to God he wasn't making the wrong decision, because as much as he wanted to be with Kate, Cassie was still a really amazing person. She did not deserve to be lied to.

_So sorry, but have to cancel tonight. Something came up with a case. It's important. I'll make it up to you._

He sighed and then pushed send.


	5. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER 5 **

It was after 7:30pm and the precinct was practically empty, save for him and Beckett, at her desk, like they had been, for the last ten, excruciating hours.

She had them running through bank records and phone records and records of pretty much anything one could keep records of. It was the police version of busy work. She was still poring over them vigilantly while he had started drawing circus animals on the backs of the pages over an hour ago.

She was stalling.

"Beckett?"

"Hmm?" she murmured, not looking up.

"It's almost eight o'clock. I think we're done here."

"I don't know, Castle. We still have the ex's phone records to go through …"

"At this point, I think monkeys would do a better job looking over these records. We've been at it for hours. My last meal was a bag of popcorn—you had half a stale doughnut and a carrot you found in the back of the fridge. Let's call it a night," he insisted.

"Yeah, you're right. A bath and a glass of wine sounds perfect," she agreed, starting to organize the papers in front of her.

"You're not getting out of this, you know."

"What are you talking about?" she said, not looking up from the papers.

He smiled. "You promised we would talk."

"Not here."

"I know. That's why we're leaving. I am taking you out to dinner."

"No, Castle. Not tonight. It's late."

"You did this on purpose," he accused. "We could have stopped looking at those records two hours ago. You wanted to keep us here late so we could put off talking."

"That's ridiculous, Castle. I know what I promised, but tonight … I just don't think it's a good idea," she told him, standing up and putting on her coat. He stood up and did the same.

She started walking toward the elevator, but he didn't follow. After a few steps, she realized he wasn't behind her and stopped. She turned to look at him.

"I canceled on her to be with you tonight, so, please … can we just go somewhere and talk?" he said with a sigh at the end.

"I didn't ask you to do that," was the reply.

"I know you didn't, Beckett, but it's the truth. We need to talk," he said, firmly, irritated at her tone.

"What did you tell her? Maybe you could un-cancel," she suggested.

"Did you really just say that to me?" he asked her, shocked and hurt.

"Yeah," she replied dismissively.

He walked over to her and didn't stop until he was face to face with her.

"Look, Beckett," he said to her. "I didn't start any of this—_any_ of it! I, a single man, went on a date with Cassie, a single woman, and suddenly everything's gone to hell. What gives exactly, because I am totally lost!"

"We're not talking about this here!" she argued back.

"I don't want to, Beckett. I want to argue over dinner! So, can we please go?"

"I'm not going," she told him defiantly.

"Kate, what in the world? You are really going to break a promise to me? Why are you being like this?" he asked, his voice sounding more like pleading. He reached out for her and she pushed his arms away. He stopped immediately, shocked.

"You shouldn't have canceled your date, Castle," she said, starting to walk away again.

He couldn't believe this was happening. After the conversation with the boys, he had been so sure. But she was walking away from him and she wasn't stopping. He had to do something. He wanted to run after her, but he was honestly scared that she would reject him again and he really didn't think he could take it. He felt like he was going to cry—this was insane.

"Oh, and don't worry about having a late night. It's just more records tomorrow, so don't feel the need to come in," she mentioned casually as she hit the elevator button.

A chill came over Castle. That was unnecessary—_that_ was rubbing it in. The guys were wrong. She didn't want him—she just wanted to mess with him. Well, fine. Two can play at that game.

He pulled out his phone, brought up his directory, found the number, and pushed the call button. He put the phone to his ear.

"Hey Cassie. Change of plans. Things just ended here, so if you're still up for our date …"

He said it loudly, loud enough for her to hear all the way across the bullpen.

When he looked up at her, she was standing inside the elevator, pushing the button repeatedly, trying to get the door to close. She looked up at him then and his heart dropped when he saw the expression on her face. She looked … really upset.

"Sure, Rick, that's great news," Cassie replied. "I'm still here, so just text me when you get here and I will come find you …"

"I … uh …"

The elevator door closed.

"Rick? Is everything okay?" she asked.

"I …" he swallowed hard, not believing this was actually happening. "I'll be right over."

He closed his phone and waited in the dark office until he had given her enough time to leave. This night was about to get a whole lot worse.


	6. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER 6 **

The following Sunday, Kate woke up and read the note Josh had left her.

_Only in South Africa for two weeks, but still going to miss you like crazy. I'll call you when I get there. Love you, babe._

_Love you._ He had first said it to her that night she had gotten into the fight with Castle, the night she had showed up at Josh's apartment unannounced and proceeded to screw his brains out. She hadn't said it back and now she had two weeks to figure out what the hell she was going to do.

But first … coffee.

Kate walked the few blocks to her usual coffee house and her mood improved the minute she saw that her favorite chair was empty. She walked over to it, tossed her novel and jacket on the seat, and then went to stand in line. The shop was mildly busy; it was still early on a Saturday morning. There would be twice the number of people here in an hour.

After she finished the book, she planned on leaving it on the table for someone else to enjoy and then going for a run. She stared at the now-familiar menu and tried to decide between a doughnut and a blueberry muffin. What was better for a run? She considered a banana.

"Excuse me," a small voice interrupted her thoughts. Kate turned around and found a pleasant woman who looked like she was just about to ask for directions to the bathroom.

"Yes?" Kate asked.

"I'm sorry, but …" the woman blushed. Kate noticed her expensive clothing, polished nails, and perfectly died hair. The woman was put together. Kate gulped at the bag the woman was holding, trying not to think that it cost nearly twenty thousand dollars.

"Yes?" she said a little impatiently.

"You're Detective Kate Beckett?" she asked, just short of giggling. She sounded nervous.

Kate's eyes narrowed.

"I am."

The woman laughed and immediately relaxed. She put a warm hand on Kate's shoulder.

"I thought so. I thought I recognized you from the photo at the Nikki Heat signing."

Kate's stomach dropped then and her mouth went dry. She wasn't sure she liked where this was going.

"Can I help you?" Kate asked, on guard now.

"Oh, I just wanted to make sure. It's just …" she paused and nodded her head toward the back of the room.

"It's just?" Kate said, using the tone of voice that would hopefully bring the woman to her point.

"My friend is dating the author, so it's like, I don't know, six degrees or something?"

The woman laughed. Kate's smile was so forced, she was afraid she looked demented.

"I've just always been a big fan of Richard Castle's books," she said, still smiling. "All my friends are—especially the ones based on you, so when Cassie started dating him, well, we were just all so excited."

"I see," Kate said carefully, nodding her head. She was trying to move in slow motion so she wouldn't completely freak out. "And you are?"

"Hailey," she said, grabbing hold of Kate's hand and shaking it enthusiastically. "So pleased to meet you."

"Likewise," Kate replied, politely.

"And that's Cassie, in the back, by the fern …"

Kate's breath stuck in her throat—she was actually here?

As Hailey continued her story, Kate tuned out and craned her neck very slowly until she could see the woman Hailey had pointed out. Her head was down, reading something it looked like, so all Beckett could see was her beautiful long hair, expensive, tasteful outfit, her slender hands with an expensive gold watch. It was Cassie—there was no doubt in her mind.

"So, do you know what it is?" Hailey asked her.

Kate quickly glanced back at Hailey who was obviously waiting for her to say something.

"Do I know what it is?" she mimed back, confused. Had she really tuned out for that long? What had she missed?

"Do you know why he's kind of dragging his feet with her? Why he's being so hot and cold? I think it's because he's just that kind of guy, takes things slow, very honorable and respectful."

Kate felt like she was going to be sick. Even her hand went around her middle.

"What does she think it is?" Kate asked. It was like the voice came from another person.

"Cassie thinks it's because he's hung up on someone else. He canceled on her the other night and then apparently changed his mind. She said they had this crazy good makeout session in the Egyptian wing before he mysteriously bailed," Hailey replied, oblivious to Kate's ensuing meltdown.

Kate's heart sank. All of this was her fault. He had wanted to be with her that night, but she had been so horrible to him. He hadn't been back to work the whole rest of the week.

"It's silly, but I just thought you might know. I'm not naive enough to think you two hang out every day. But I figured you guys might be friends and maybe you could tell me if he is dating someone?" Hailey asked hopefully, still clueless, still waiting for Kate's opinion.

Out of the corner of her eye, Kate saw the woman look up then. Her air quickly left her, like she had been punched in the stomach.

She was beautiful.

Something inside of her turned when Cassie looked up and gave her a questioning look.

"I have to go," Kate stated, rudely brushing past Hailey. She made a beeline for her coat and just left the book on the chair. She turned toward the door and almost knocked an employee over who was carrying fresh bags of coffee. After making it past him, she ran into a table trying to make it out of the coffee house, which had gotten more crowded, just like she had predicted.

She apologized to an old man for stepping on his foot and finally made it to the door.

She didn't stop running until she was four blocks away. Sitting down on a stoop, she tried to catch her breath. But even as she rested, she couldn't breathe. Her chest was so tight, she couldn't hold onto any air.

Dropping her head between her knees, she sat on the concrete steps. She pulled her jacket around her and tried to look like someone who was just tired from running instead of someone who was seriously losing it on a stranger's front porch.

But the tears started then and they wouldn't stop. What the hell was wrong with her? Why couldn't she just talk to Castle and be a normal person for once? Sure, she was scared, but so what? And what exactly was she scared of? Losing him or things not working out or just scared to let anyone that close to her?

She had been scared a million times—after her mother died, trying to find her mother's murderer, taking the detective test, apprehending suspects, the fire in her apartment. She had been scared a lot, but it had never held her back before.

And this wasn't supposed to be scary. It was supposed to be wonderful. People searched their whole lives for that one person who completely understands them, but few ever found it. It was an amazing thing, an astonishing thing. And she couldn't even manage an honest conversation with him.

Maybe she would never be a normal person, but she knew she had it in her to love someone. She already did. The problem was letting that person love her back.

She should be sharing herself with Castle, not Josh. It was time for someone to see all of her, not just parts. She had always been a hall of mirrors, where people could see her and never touch her, perennially out of reach, distorted.

Maybe it was time for her to try. Just the other day, Lanie had told her to get out of her own way, that she was the one responsible for withholding happiness in her life, not some guy or her mom's case or anything else. She had told her to "get over her damn self" and tell Castle the truth.

Beckett sniffed and looked up. People were still walking by. Cars and taxis were still driving by. Life was still moving along.

She glanced at her watch. 9:30am? Shit. So early. It was going to be a hard day to get through, but she needed to think before she spoke to him. She needed some time to find the words that he needed to hear, the words that would make him truly understand how much she really loved him.

Tomorrow, she told herself. She would talk to him tomorrow, no matter what.

She zipped up her jacket, stood up, and stretched for a minute. And then she took off running, for the first time feeling like she was running toward something, not away.


	7. Chapter 7

**CHAPTER 7**

Kate lay on her couch, absolutely exhausted. She had run and then jogged. And then after that, she had walked. She had stopped for a piece of pizza, ate it over a trashcan, downed a Coke, and was off again, not stopping until she finally dragged herself home around 4pm. She had been lying on the couch for the past hour, trying to gather the energy to eat and take a bath. She hadn't managed to do either.

But now she had to pee, so she didn't really have a choice. She stood up, groaned at her sore muscles, and walked toward the bathroom. After relieving herself, she turned on the bath water, making it as hot as she thought she could stand. She dropped some bath salts in and headed toward the kitchen.

After polishing off a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, she grabbed her glass of wine and was headed back toward the bathroom when she remembered the CD Lanie had given her to listen to. Her younger brother, Samuel, had left it in Lanie's CD player and Lanie had apparently played it non-stop for over a week.

Since she wasn't in the mood to read, she thought some music might be a good idea, so she grabbed the small boom box from the front closet, picked up the CD from her kitchen counter, and then made her way into the bathroom. She set the player down, popped in the CD, and pressed play.

After taking off her clothes, she stepped into the bathtub and lowered herself into the water. She reached over and turned off the faucet, hissing as the hot water touched more of her skin.

The first song she heard made her question Lanie's sanity. The artist had been on _American Idol_, a show she had never felt one ounce of curiosity about. She didn't like reality TV, mostly because of how real it was. She knew it was because she was a cop. Cops see everything in human nature, and since they interact more with criminals than anyone else, they usually saw the worst of human nature. People were awkward and mean and arrogant—she didn't consider it entertainment to watch that sort of thing.

As she relaxed and drank her wine though, she started to see why Lanie had liked it. He had an amazing voice—one of the best Kate had ever heard. He looked pretty cute on the cover, too.

What really grabbed her though was the split in the album. Half the songs were about going out, dancing, drinking, having fun. He sounded like a smooth player, but never like a jerk. The songs had varied elements from numerous genres, too—a Michael Jackson-ish bass line, a deep funk beat, sounds that had to be created on a computer. The songs were fun and she found herself enjoying the record very much.

But the other half of the album—it was wildly different. Painful, poignant, and beautiful love songs about seeking acceptance, the agony of being connected to someone who hurt you, communication failures between lovers.

The song she liked the most started with haunting and simple piano chords that magically managed to crescendo into the musical equivalent of a dark mist. She actually shivered in the hot water when she first heard it. As the song went on, it grew more and more raw and began to speak to her in a way that no other song had. When it was over, she launched a soapy hand over the edge of the tub and pressed the back button.

At first, she just held onto a few snippets …

_Strip away the flesh and bone  
__Look beyond the lies you've known_

_Welcome to my world of truth  
__I don't want to hide any part of me from you._

_You're gonna see things you might not want to see  
It's still not that easy for me underneath_

She kept hitting the back button and it unfolded in her in the way only truth can. The way he was revealing himself to his lover in the song—it was so corny, but she felt like they had experienced something similar to each other. He was afraid of showing this person who he really was, all of him. He was terrified of being rejected, but he was leaving it in his lover's hands—you choose, he said.

She imagined opening herself up that way with Castle and envied the singer. To have the talent to express something so personal, but also make it sound universal—it was amazing. Wistfully, for a moment, she wished she could sing.

She pressed the back button again, closed her eyes, shut everything out, and focused entirely on the song. She let the tears come. She let herself smile. She let her stomach quiver whenever she thought of him seeing her, really _seeing_ her, and still loving her. And when the last chorus hit, preceded by an insanely exquisite swell of musical emotion, she imagined revealing herself to him, ripping herself open so he could see exactly what she was inside and letting him decide if she was what he wanted.

She imagined herself being silent, letting him take her in fully before making up his mind. She would not change topics, or push him away, or go over to someone else's house when she had no business being with anybody but him.

He needed to hear this song. Maybe it could help her find the words to tell him that she was ready. Maybe this was the way, a touchstone she could count on as she waded into the waters. Maybe he would understand that yes, this was hard for her, but she was doing it—and she was doing it for him.

She had always enjoyed music, but nothing had ever touched her like this. No one had ever wrenched the words from inside her and lay them out for the world to hear. She would play it for him and he would understand—he understood words, and these words ...

Suddenly, Kate was jolted out of her musical haze by a loud knock on her door. It was followed by pounding. And when she heard him call out "Beckett, open up!" in a harsh voice she had never heard, she calmly rose out of the bath, turned off the music, dried herself off with the towel, put on her underwear and her robe, and went to face her future.


	8. Chapter 8

**CHAPTER 8**

As soon as she managed to unlock the locks and open the door a crack, he barged in, almost knocking her over. She quickly overcame her hurt feelings, determined not to get distracted by anything. She had made the decision to talk to him tomorrow, but if this was happening right now, then it was happening right now.

He stormed a few steps past her and then spun around. Her heart sank when she saw the expression on his face—he was angry with her, very angry. She had never seen him so angry before—especially at her. She took a deep breath as she closed the door, turned to face him, and waited for him to speak.

After standing in front of her and basically heaving for a minute, he told her the news.

"Cassie broke things off with me," he announced.

She didn't say anything, but she knew her expression probably looked happier than it should have.

She was right. His brows furrowed and his eyes darkened. "Oh, is that funny to you, Beckett?"

She shook her head. "Absolutely not. I'm sorry to hear that, Castle."

He looked at her, disbelief lining his features, and made a sound that was a cross between a sarcastic what-the-fuck and a sinister laugh.

"Really? That's all you got, Beckett? You're sorry to hear it?"

"I _am_ sorry to hear it, Castle. I know you really … liked her. I know you have been happier these past few weeks."

He threw up his hand and waved her off, dismissing her. But she stood her ground, trying to weather this so they could get to the next topic for discussion.

"You know when she told me, Beckett?" he spat at her.

She frowned at the ugly way he had said her name, but managed to speak. "When did she tell you?" she asked.

Castle unbuttoned his coat, tore it off, and then threw it on the kitchen island with such force, it knocked the tea pot to the ground. Kate jumped at the sound, but Castle didn't seem to notice.

"She called me at 10:00 this morning, Beckett. Right after coffee apparently, right after …"

Kate swallowed hard and braced herself because like it or not, this is how it was going to start.

"After she saw me?" she finished when he hesitated. What the hell? Might as well get it over with.

He looked shocked at her statement, but moved on quickly. "What did you say to her?" he demanded.

"Nothing," she said instantly. "I never said anything to her."

"Well what happened?"

"What did she say?" Kate asked, trying to get some control of the situation. She was feeling a little panicky—the unknown can do that to a person.

"Ugh," he broke in. He sounded disgusted. "You really need to know her version first?"

Before she could second guess herself, she opened her mouth and started talking.

"Her friend came up to me and said she recognized me from a photo from one of your book signings. She said her friend was dating you and she asked me if I knew why you were being hot and cold with Cassie," she paused only to take a breath.

"She told me about the makeout session at the museum and did I know if you were dating anyone because Cassie suspected you were hung up on someone else and then I kind of tuned out because I saw Cassie and when we looked at each other—I don't think it felt good for either of us. It made me so sad—but she was so lovely. She seems like a really amazing person, and I am sorry that things ended for you …"

"What did you say to her?" he interrupted her.

"Nothing," she told him truthfully.

"You never said anything to her?" he said, anger still coloring his voice.

She shook her head. "I didn't talk to her, Castle. I couldn't. I didn't say anything to her friend either, and certainly nothing about you or me. I didn't do or say anything that might have … made the situation more difficult. I just freaked out and got out of there as fast as I could. I bumped into some people, basically made a fool out of myself, and then ended up crying on the sidewalk—not my finest moment," she finished quietly.

When he didn't reply, she looked at him. He looked different—deflated somehow, like all of his energy had been drained out of him. He stumbled back a step and grabbed onto the kitchen island. He coughed and then closed his mouth again. He wouldn't look at her.

"What did she tell you?" Kate asked him.

"She told me that I was supposed to be with someone else. She was so gracious. She wished me well, hoped that I would find my happiness," Castle paused for a moment, before sighing heavily.

"She never mentioned any of what you just told me, Beckett." He said it without emotion, but that didn't stop the tears from welling up in his eyes.

"Oh," she replied, finding even more respect for this woman who had let Castle down easily and never once mentioned Kate's freakout.

Her chest tightened at his softened expression and the way he had crossed his arms over his chest defensively. He looked lost and confused, two things she never saw in him. She could see only two ways out of this—letting him go home, defeated, or she could talk to him. Sure, she was scared, but when was she not?

She got a chill and pulled her robe around herself tighter. And her hair—oh God. She hadn't even brushed it. She must look like a wreck, or at least halfway crazy.

"Can you wait here for a minute, please?" she asked gently.

He nodded and then looked away as she walked past him. She went into the bathroom and unplugged the CD player. She picked up it up, ran her fingers through her hair a few times, and then left the bathroom.

She walked back into the room and plugged the boom box into the wall outlet. She knew it was track #10, so she clicked until she got to it and then pressed the pause button. She stood up, took a step toward him, and took in a deep breath. He finally looked up at her.

"I am sorry, Rick," she said, softly. "For a lot of things. I suck at this talking thing and for a long time, I have wanted to say some things to you."

"You want to talk?" he asked in disbelief.

"Castle, I still don't have the words and I'm scared I will never find them. What if I keep on waiting for the words to come and when they finally do, you're gone? I think you know how I feel about you—I hope you do. I want us to stop hurting each other …"

Castle couldn't believe his ears—she couldn't believe she was going to do what she was about to do.

"So, two things …" she said, walking over to the coffee table. She returned with her phone and stood a few steps away from him. Concentrating, she accessed her phonebook, found the entry, and pushed the call button.

The call went straight to voicemail, which she had banked on. He never turned on his phone when he was overseas except to call her. She moved away from Castle until her back was pressed against the front door. He stood where he was, still completely in the dark about what she was doing. He looked bewildered … and worried.

Now or never. If did this, she would hate herself. But if she didn't do it, she would never forgive herself.

She took in a deep breath and began her message.

"Hi Josh, it's me. I … uh … hope things are going well over there.

"I'm calling because I need to tell you something important. I know you are going to be angry with me and you have every right to be. And I shouldn't be doing this—not like this—but, Josh … I want to break up. I'm a horrible person for doing this in a voicemail, but I couldn't wait for you to get back here … I just couldn't.

"If you want, we can talk when you get back, but this decision is final. And it's nothing you did. It's about me and what I want and this isn't it …

She sighed heavily.

"Okay, I'll stop babbling. Just know that I am sorry and I wish you the best. Goodbye."

She pushed the call button to hang up and she dropped the phone to the floor, her hand shaking.

And his face—God, his face. He looked like he expected to wake up and find this all to be a dream. His face was red, too. He looked adorable.

He took a step toward her, but she held up her hand to stop him. He stopped and stepped back.

"I know you need words, from me, and I promise you, I will find them. But if we wait for my words, we could be waiting forever.

"I know this may sound crazy, but I really need for you to listen to something right now. And it's probably totally corny and ridiculous, but you have to hear this song," she finished, as serious as she could be.

His eyes showed surprise, but also acceptance. He gave her a slight nod.

"If I could write a song for you, it would have been this one."

Castle didn't even know how to respond to her. His insides were all squished up now. He sort of nodded his head again and his hands dropped to his sides. She bent down to push the play button, stood up, and took another step away from him.

When the first few chords started, she looked right into his eyes.


	9. Chapter 9

_Disclaimer: This story is set sometime in 2011, but this song was not released until 2012. The minute I heard this song, I thought it perfectly captured Kate's fear of being fully open to Castle—how she wants him to truly see her and still want to be with her. So, please forgive the anachronism—I just had to use this song!_

_The song is "Underneath," by Adam Lambert, and it appears on the _Trespassing_ album released in May 2012. And if you have 99¢ to spare, download the song from iTunes and listen to it while Castle does. I think you'll see why it moved me so much._

* * *

**CHAPTER 9 **

_"Underneath" – by Adam Lambert _

_Strip away the flesh and bone  
Look beyond the lies you've known  
Everybody wants to talk about a freak  
No one wants to dig that deep  
Let me take you underneath _

_Baby, better watch your step  
Never mind what's on the left  
You're gonna see things you might not want to see  
It's still not that easy for me, underneath. _

_A red river of screams  
Underneath  
Tears in my eyes  
Underneath  
Stars in my black and blue sky _

_And underneath  
Under my skin  
Underneath the depths of my sin  
Look at me  
Now do you see? _

_Welcome to my world of truth  
I don't want to hide any part of me from you  
I'm standing here with no apologies  
Such a beautiful release  
You inside of me. _

_A red river of screams  
Underneath  
Tears in my eyes  
Underneath  
Stars in my black and blue sky  
_

_And underneath  
Under my skin  
Underneath the depths of my sin  
Look at me  
Now do you see?_

_Underneath … _

_Welcome to my world of truth._

_A red river of screams  
Underneath  
Tears in my eyes  
Underneath  
Stars in my black and blue sky _

_And underneath  
Under my skin  
Underneath the depths of my sin  
Look at me  
Now do you see?_

_Underneath …_

_Look at me  
__Do you see?_

_Look at me  
__Do you see?_

_Welcome to my world of truth  
I don't want to hide any part of me from you._

* * *

When it was over, Kate bent down and turned off the player. When she stood back up, he had erased the space between them and now stood right in front of her. He wasn't touching her, but he was close enough to.

"Kate …" he breathed, so overwhelmed, it was all he could manage.

"Did that help?" she asked, shyly, blushing as she dropped her head.

He took one of her hands in his and squeezed it lightly.

"It helped," he promised. "I want to hear it again …"

"Right now?" she asked, a little surprised.

He laughed softly. "No, not right now. But definitely later. I want to have our talk now."

She nodded, biting her lip and holding her breath.

He reached out for her then and gently pulled her into him. Her arms wrapped around his back as they slightly swayed back and forth.

"I only dated her to try to get over you. I never meant to hurt your feelings," he explained in a gruff voice.

"I stayed with Josh to avoid having to face what … I feel for you. I know it hasn't been easy for you," she managed.

"Yeah, let's hope Motorcycle boy doesn't come home and kick my ass," he joked.

"I'll defend you," she laughed lightly.

"Kate," he started, serious again. "I don't want either of us to hurt anymore. It doesn't make any sense. If you feel for me half of what I feel for you …"

His hands came up to frame her face.

"I'm ready, Rick. I'm done fighting this, I'm just …" she trailed off.

"I know," he whispered into her ear, his lips just barely brushing the lobe, just the slightest touch. Her knees almost gave out, it felt so good.

"I'm just scared that if you see me—really see me—you won't want me anymore."

"I want to see you, Kate—all of you. And whatever I see, whatever it is, I will _never _leave. I will never judge you or make you apologize for anything. I'm your partner, Kate. Always remember that. I mean it in every sense of the word."

She sighed and buried her head in his shoulder.

"What is it?"

"You're so wonderful, Rick. You're amazing—you have been since I met you. And it's not just the coffee, or your help with paperwork, or letting me stay here when I needed to, or making me laugh. It's everything about you—you are so sweet to me. And I have been horrible to you—just horrible. I'm just scared that I will never find the words to make you understand how much you mean to me, how much I care about you."

"I think you are doing a great job finding the words," he told her. "You've said more to me in ten minutes than you have in three years."

"Is it enough?" she asked, as she reached up and pulled his head closer to hers. He shuddered when her lips pressed against his neck, just under his jaw.

"It's enough for now. I don't know about you, but I am kind of talked out right now. Talking is better done over coffee and breakfast, and that's like twelve hours away."

"Whatever will we do with ourselves?" she laughed.

"I have an idea. Can you play the song again?" he said with a mischievous twinkle in his eye.

"Sure," she replied, bending down to play the song again.

"Can you put it on repeat?"

"Yeah," she smiled to herself. Thank God he understood.

When she stood back up, he had moved into the living room a little more. As the first notes played, they stood before each other, and everything felt really serious again. Three years of built up desire and love was about to be unleashed and they both knew it.

Like two rams, they stared each other down, circled each other. Like boxers in a ring, their eyes locked, their bodies poised to pounce, they finally moved toward each other. She was so ready to jump his bones that she was surprised when he simply reached out for her and wrapped his hand warmly around the back of her neck.

He took a step forward and the hand went to her face. Tears were building in his eyes—hers, too.

"Are you sure, Kate? Everything will change," he whispered.

"I'm counting on it," she said, stepping forward until their bodies were pressed against each other.

When they touched, there was a huge sense of relief. They had been holding back for so long now, it had become a cruel joke, like writers had been sitting in a room, crafting Castle and Beckett's story, and coming up with any obstacle they could throw in their path to keep them apart.

And they had just gone along with it, day after day, until it had become too much, until it had become painful. Until it was almost too late.

They were done holding back.

"Still have about eleven-and-a half-hours until coffee," she reminded him.

"Plenty of time," he murmured.

She was about to suggest they move into the bedroom or at least the couch, but before she could say anything, he brought his hands to the lapels on her robe and paused.

His eyes were closed and his lips were pressed together, his hands fisted around the fabric on her robe, his head down. He was listening to the song and the tears were streaming down his face. She had never been so moved before—the fact that he got it meant more to her than anything.

"I have wanted you for so long, Kate. To see you—to truly know you, not just the tough, kick-ass detective I see every day. I wanted to see more, I always have. And it drove me fucking crazy to see you with other guys … it just tore me apart."

"I've made a lot of mistakes, I know," she confessed. "But no more. No one else gets to see me. No one else gets to touch me, or kiss me, or …"

Kate sucked in her breath when Castle's hands moved to untie the belt on her robe. She held her breath still when he moved the fabric back toward her shoulders, exposing her breasts and her stomach.

"I have never wanted anything more than this right here. And I will never do anything to make you regret your decision …" he told her, solemnly.

"I'm so sorry, Rick. I've hurt you so much, and you're the last person I ever wanted to hurt," she cried, really losing herself in the moment and the song—that goddamned song! It was pulling her apart.

His hands were at her waist now and he wouldn't look at her.

"I've wanted you for so long, Kate … I'm almost scared to touch you," he whispered fiercely, gripping her hips tighter.

"Touch me, Rick. Please, touch me," she encouraged, taking hold of his hands and pressing them against her bare breasts. They both shuddered at the contact.

Kate's forehead dropped forward until it was touching his and was silent as his warm hands moved over her skin. His touch was so self-effacing, so … fucking respectful. If she wasn't crying already … his reverent touch had her gutted. She had never felt so loved before.

Finally, he pushed the robe off her shoulders and stepped toward her, pulling her into his body.

"No fair, you have more clothes on," she whined, teasing him.

"Take them off. Please, Kate. Take them off," he said raggedly, finally moving to kiss her.

His lips on hers took everything to a new level, a level she almost couldn't bear, it was so staggering. She went to unbutton his shirt when his hands came to hers, stilling her movement. She pressed her cheek against his, waiting.

"I need to know that you love me. I can't do this otherwise. This is so much more than anything I've felt … or done … I have to know, Kate. I'm sorry, but I need to hear the words …" He was breathless when he finished.

"I love you, Castle," she breathed into his ear, her tongue not far behind, meant to reinforce her message. "I love you … always."

His hands found her skin again, running up her back, down her sides, around her bottom, up to her breasts. Every new place he touched solicited a new sound from her. She didn't try to hide. She was opening to him, finally. He was seeing her and she almost laughed with relief at how good it felt.

"Show me, Kate. I want to see," he whispered, like he had read her mind.

_Welcome to my world of truth  
I don't want to hide any part of me from you._

* * *

_The End._


End file.
